Christmas with the Akatsuki
by Village-Hidden-In-The-Music
Summary: Deidara, Hidan, Sasori, and Kakuzu make Christmas dinner. Warning, I wrote this while I was half dead from lack of sleep so forgive me. RATED T, for pottymouths.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or it's characters.

Deidara: Or Super Mario.

Christmas with teh Akatsuki

Konan sat on the couch drinking hot cocoa and humming Christmas carols while staring at the make-shift Christmas tree. The Akatsuki had had an odd morining, since they are wanted criminals in just about everywhere they could hardly find a store to buy gifts for each other. Tobi gave everyone a home made lolipop, that everyone 'accidentally' dropped into the fire. Kisame gave everyone a pet fish that he collected from a near by river. Itachi... Well, Itachi found nake baby pictures of almost every member, copied them with help from Konan and sent them throughout the entire ninja world. Zetsu gave everyone a flesh eating plant that reminded Deidara of the one level on Super Mario that kicked his ass, causing Deidara to get pissed and blow up the presents he had for everyone. Pain, being the softy he is (deep deep deep deep deep down in his teeny tiny heart), gave everyone the month; too bad they can go anywhere because the villagers will rape them with tons of weapons and highly trained ninja.

~In Teh Kitchen of Doom with Deidara, Kakuzu, Sasori and Hidan~

"Why the hell do we have to fucking cooked the damned Jashin dinner?" Hidan complained, leaning on the kitchen counter with his arms crossed. "Isn't that the reason that whore Konan is here?"

"I wouldn't call her that if I were you, she already hates you for probing her chest with your cife when she's not looking." Sasori stated while boiling the fish Kisame had brought from him; it seems like everyone forgets that Sasori can't eat. Sasori sighed and began to put chopped vegetables, milk, seasoning, chamomile, lavender, basil, some mushrooms and other random things into the pot, fuck those bastards and there taste buds.

Deidara started at the huge turdurken that Konan had dropped off for them to cook. Who the hell in this fucked up world decided that they should take the bones out of a duck, a chicken, and a turkey, and then stuff one inside the other? Deidara doesn't think he wants to know, he could end up getting stuffed with random shit and placed on a dinner table. He takes out a shuriken and pokes the huge bird. If he seriously tried he could fit in that thing.

Ding. Ding. Ding. Hidan walked over to the oven and pulled out a beautiful ginger cake that he made all by himself (like a boss). After sliding the cake carefully out of the pan and placing it perfectly in the center of the dish, he turned back around to grab the self-made icing. "DEIDARA, YOU WHORE, STOP EATING MY ICING! THAT'S FOR THE FUCKIN' CAKE, YOU ASS! Aren't you suppose to be cooking the stupid hamturmukfucker right now?"

"I'm not touching the nasty raw meat, it taste nasty and I might catch something..." Right on que, Deidara's hands licked there icinging covered lips. Before Hidan could kill the blonde, Kakuzu offer to cook the meat instead, commenting that, "The faster we get work done, the faster I can go back to checking my bank accounts." Kakuzu took over and began to season the meat and put it in a liquid season to soak up the favors.

Deidara took over the easiest job, making the rice and mashed potatoes. He pulled the rice out the cabinet and quickly started boiling water for the rice. Meanwhile, with his epic ninja skills, he peeled all the potatoes and smashed them up destroying all the lumps. He mixed in some butter and milk. Deidara thought it was kind of weird that Hidan could bake a cake. The only reason Deidara knew how to cook was because he had to fend for himself, the Akatsuki did not care if other members die off from starvation. Deidara drifted off into lalaland and the pot of water began to boil over and potatoes started to burn.

Kakuzu growled, "If you're going to daydream and kill us all do it on your own time. Move, let me handle this, you take care of the...bird thing, all you have to do is put it in the oven now, I'll watch it." Kakuzu threw away the burnt food and started over.

Deidara reluctantly pick up the silver pan that contained the uncooked turdurken; he slowly puts it in the oven. While closing the oven Deidara hand brushed against the red metal of the stove that Kakuzu had stepped away from for the moment. His girly screams made Hidan double over lawling madly, even Sasori started to laugh. "Fuck you guys!" Deidara ran over to the sink and pull on the handle to turn on the cold water but the water wasn't coming out fast enough for him. Deidara yanked on the nosle and it snapped right off, Hidan was turning red and Sasori was starting to cry from the insain lawling at Deidara's girl man screams. The icy water flew everywhere, Deidara ran from the sink he wasn't in the mood to get soak in cold water. In his panic he slipped and fell... right on Hidan's cake.

"...you...YOUSTUPIDFUTHERMUCKERI'LLKILLYOU!"

"Fuck. It was an accident!" Hidan violently swang whatever sharp, hard, dangerous weapon he could find at the cake cover blonde. He cut the couch in half, broke the tv, busted a hole in the wall, and destroied Pain's office. Sasori disappeared into his room, he was not being held responsible for this madness.

The turdurken sat in the oven getting hotter and hotter and hotter, not even the deserts in Suna could compare, until...

"KATSU!" The turdurken became a beautiful master piece.

Hidan and Deidara sat in the center of the ruins of the former Akatsuki lair. " You dumbfuck," Hidan stared at the coal black oven, "NONE of this would have happened if you had just converted to Jashinism!"

Music: Merry Late Christmas, Misa-chan, Hidan made that cake for you but Dei-kun made it into art.


End file.
